Questions

for the imperfect days and teachers and students.

I teach 10 year olds, who learn like 7 year olds, respond like 14 year olds and have experienced enough hardship for a lifetime.

I’ve been in room 111 for only 2 weeks and it’s felt like a year and I know ‘committed’ teachers aren’t ‘supposed’ to admit that.

I’ve never felt so much anger, heard so many ‘fuck you’s, or seen so much defiance come out of the mouths of babies, confined within four white walls.

I hurt for their stories, for the no-way-around-it terrible hands they have been dealt. I’m desperate to break down the barriers of even one heart, throw a wrench in this cycle of dysfunction, and bring a meager bit of life and light.

What do I do when I've already screeched and offended and been added to the hated list?

Because we all know that shame and fear never strengthened a soul and how do I even begin to combat the years and generations of abuse and hurt and neglect?

What do I do when shouting and threats are a comfort zone, are the only thing that makes sense to their malleable minds?

How do I balance realism and optimism in the short 7 months we have together? 

How do I learn to be for them and for their now, not just their potential? 

How do I learn to trust time, make peace with it, and let our days run into weeks and months that erect some sort of relationship that may just make this all a little bit easier?

How do I keep going when I can’t even get control of the room to utter one thing significant about energy in ecosystems or animal adaptations or respecting one’s self?

How do I get them to understand (and live accordingly) that they are smart and beautiful and worth something-- even when everyone around them is telling a different story?

How do I interact day in and day out with little ones that seem so. beyond. hope?
How does selfish me learn to love these hateful, broken, cutting shards that call themselves kids?

So long, rose-colored glasses. I'm choosing to look straight into this mess of a teacher and her classroom and somehow find the heart of God.