Fear

I signed my name and checked the box and felt a wave of sweet relief. The decision wasn’t easy. I wanted to do it right and well and leave on good terms—as a whole person, without bits and pieces of me scattered on the buses and trains that weave through this presuming place.

He promised wisdom in the secret places and I know apart from him there is no real, life-giving wisdom. I know it deep down. I’m suffocating the fears, the ones that stir the peace and distract my gaze, putting on a brave face and letting my thoughts warily wander into a new chapter.

But what will fill these unwritten pages?

Will more hurt pierce into the scars, opening wide the wounds and turning progress into something trivial?

Will obvious blessings engulf the mystery and relieve like a spring rain?

Who has he made me to be and what is his plan since before time and how do I know it in the marrow?

How do I madly seize this one adventurous life and spend it on the good and for the eternal even if it’s ridden with disappointment?

How do I feel so sure and have so many questions and what in the world am I even going to do?

Do not fear, only believe.

Those are His words- the ones he speaks to the father, in the delay, whose daughter who is already gone.

I taste and own them. I choose to believe in and around and through the tangle of unknowns.